Relinquishing the 'shoulds'
Updated: Jun 13, 2020
It’s been a really busy time professionally.
What clients have really been cracking through is their beliefs….what works and what doesn’t. Ideas that have been in their thought patterns that we’ve challenged until breakthrough occurs. Without a doubt this takes some considerable courage but the co-creation is truly awesome.
Some people can get fixated by the ‘shoulds’ in their life.
For example, I have a client. who is simply amazing to me, and way back at the start of our coaching relationship she was struggling with a ‘very close & personal relationship’….there were so many shoulds sitting in there that she had never thought to question. The relationship ‘shoulds’ stemmed from the idea of a relationship with her father. So she got to adulthood and thought she ‘should’ follow these ideas.
· I should feel a certain way about him because he’s my father
· I should like him he’s my father
· I should get him to love me
· I should give lots of energy to this man
Somehow she felt totally incomplete because she was told often by other people to try and create a relationship with this man. It was the ‘right’ thing to do. So she did. She almost gave her soul trying to create this amazing relationship with him. And because she tried she was often rejected which saw her self-belief and self-esteem plummet. And she was constantly trying to rebuild her life from this ‘should’ filter. She was lead to believe this would fill her life up, that she would feel much happier about herself, that her self esteem would be amazing, that she must feel empty without her father in her life.There was very little reciprocity from this man. In fact the more she tried the more he backed off.
Until she answered these questions:
a) Where did this belief come from that I must have a relationship with this person?
b) What do I want?
What was revealed was this…..she was trying to have this relationship to please others. She thought that was what she must do. So we started challenging these ideas and beliefs until she relinquished the beliefs and started saying what she wanted. She didn’t want and had never really wanted to have a relationship with him. She then realised that stating this didn’t make her a bad person, she could be honest that she had never felt a paternal longing for him. And she truly realised she had never been ‘less than’ because she didn’t have him in her life.
She realised she had been upholding someone else’s idea and dream for her and once she fully got into creating what she wanted for herself she felt relieved and more powerful by gaining understanding of her own needs and wants. Freedom of thought.
Co-creating in coaching comes from challenging ideas and beliefs. And we often get triggered not just from past events but the beliefs we hold around that event at that time.
And when we dare to challenge or be challenged in a completely safe environment what comes forth can be life changing. The energy and passion that arises is so inspiring.
My message to you is this:
You are complete and whole just as you are, you just may need support to fully step into a different type of belief system. You have never been ‘less than,’ that may be your belief for yourself at this time but now it might be time to shed that old ‘belief coat’ and weave yourself whole new garment.